four ways to be a Better Parent.

looking back on my childhood, the summer vacations to grandmothers home and over-the-top Diwali celebrations do stand out in my mind.It was small things –going for a shopping on a hot summer’s day, playing carom at the table, gathering over cut fruits and homemade ice-cream– that made me feel connected. It was the ordinary regular occurrences that made us feel like family.

When the toils of everyday life creep in, parents can get so bogged down in schedules that the relationship with their children can seem distanced and disconnected.Busy parents can build up and strengthen those connections by taking a few simple steps such as guiding your children through a bedtime, asking for their opinion, and actively observing your children without stepping in.

Now I’m raising my children . It’s during the moments when I put aside busyness to be present and attend  to the people in front of me – to laugh, to listen, to love – that the messages that matter reach their hearts. You are valued. You are loved. You belong here.

Here are four daily habits you can begin now to build connection:

1. Morning Blessing

Mornings can be a real hassle. Trying to get everyone up and out the door on time is often a stressful time for families. Our adult minds are focused on the dozens of things we must accomplish in the next 12 hours, and our children are often tired, grumpy, or preoccupied with their own thoughts on the day ahead. Taking two or three minutes of the morning to focus on our child’s face and say something positive can really have a big impact. “Good morning, my child! Seeing your sweet face makes me happy” is a thoughtful way to greet a child into their day. I think“Triple A to start the day.” That stands for attention, affection, and affirmation. Aim to give them your full attention for at least a couple of minutes, offer a hug or rub on the head, and say something positive about them. Making this a daily habit starts each day off on the right foot.

2. Afternoon or After School Gathering

Do the children get home from school and scatter in every direction? Mine tend to do that. Even if you home school or your children are still very young, creating an afternoon or after school gathering provides another connection point in your day. Some ideas for this gathering include tea time, a spread of fruits with dip or cheese and crackers, a round of snake and ladder, or reading aloud a story from their favorite book. Again, this is undistracted time spent with your loved ones and it only takes a few minutes of the afternoon. This can easily be adjusted to an after-dinner or before-bath gathering. The time on the clock is not important. It’s the time spent that matters.

3. A Meal at the Table

When my children were very little and my husband worked odd shifts, we never ate together. I would snack through the day, my kids would eat dinner in the playroom, and my husband just ate whenever he got home. So, I certainly understand that dinner at the table every single night is not suitable for all families. Perhaps an early morning breakfast together is more doable, or evens a late evening dessert-only meeting in the kitchen works best. Some researchers suggest that the benefits from family meals are many, including healthier eating for kids, improved psychological well-being, greater academic achievement, and even less delinquency !We don’t need studies to tell us that gathering together for conversation and good food is meaningful though, do we? If it’s not already on your priority list, it’s a great time to start this connection-building habit.

4. One-on-one Time at Bedtime

In my house, we call this “special time” and I am surprised by how much my children crave this individual attention because until very recently, I was with them all day, every day! I created this habit with the start of them attending school to build in some special time to hear about their days where they don’t have to talk over each other or be interrupted. I initially set it at 10 minutes per child but we often talk beyond that because children really do open up their hearts during this time. If they don’t have much to talk about, which is rare, I ask them three questions. “Tell me something good that happened today.” “Is there anything you’re worried about or want to ask?” “Tell me one of your dreams or goals in life.”

I know that by this time of night, most of us are ready to be done with the day. We might even develop a tendency to rush through the bedtime routine to get to that ever so elusive “me time.” Truly though, these few minutes spent connecting heart-to-heart with my kids is worth .

How To Calm an Anxious Child

It’s time for school. The bus will arrive any minute , And then you hear “Mom, I don’t want to go to school.” Your heart sinks. Here we go again. Every day it’s the same conversation. The same conversation that usually ends up in tears, missing the bus and late for school again.But your words fall on deaf ears. Your child is fully convinced that everything will NOT be ok and that there are PLENTY of things to worry about. Sighing, you sit down on the couch, wracking your brain for something more helpful to say.If your child struggles with anxiety, you know the challenge of finding the right things to say when he or she is worried. Rather than telling your child “You’ll be fine,” or “Don’t worry about it,” try one of these phrases the next time your child is feeling worried:

“I am here; you are safe.” Anxiety has a way of making things look worse and feel scarier than when we are not feeling worried. These words can offer comfort and safety when your child is feeling out of control, especially if they are at the height of their worry.

“Tell me about it.” Give your child room to talk about their fears without interrupting. Some children need to have time to process through their thoughts. Do not offer solutions or try to fix it. Children sometimes do better with a set amount of time: “Let’s talk about your worries for 10 minutes.”

“How big is your worry?” Help your child verbalize the size of their worry and give you an accurate picture of how it feels to them. They can represent their worry by using arm length (hands close together or arms stretched wide apart) or by drawing three circles on a paper (small, medium and large) and choosing the one that applies.

“What do you want to tell your worry?” Explain to your child that worry is like an annoying “worry bug” that hangs around telling them to be worried. Create a few phrases, then give them permission to talk back to this “worry bug.” They can even be bossy: “Go away!” or “I don’t have to listen to you!” Use silly voices, and try it loud and quiet.

“Can you draw it?” Many kids cannot express their emotions with words. Encourage them to draw, paint or create their worries on paper. When they are finished, make observations, and give them a chance to explain the significance.

“Let’s change the ending.” Anxious children often feel stuck in the same pattern without a way out. Help them see different options by telling their story, but leaving off the ending. Then, create a few new endings. Some can be silly, but at least one should be realistic for your child.

“What other things do you know about (fill in the blank)?” Some children feel empowered when they have more information about their fear (especially things like tornadoes, bees, elevators, etc.). Grab a book from the library, do a science experiment, research together online: How often does your fear happen? How do people stay safe?Some people hold their children close so they can feel the rise and fall of their chest as they breathe.

“It’s scary AND…” Acknowledge your child’s fear without making it even more frightening by using the word “AND.” After the word “and” you can add phrases like, “You are safe.” or “You’ve conquered this fear before.” or “You have a plan.” This models an internal dialogue your child can use next time they are feeling worried.

“I can’t wait to hear about…” It’s hard to see our kids suffer with worry. Many parents rush in to rescue their child from an anxiety-producing situation. Encourage your child that they will survive this difficult feeling by bringing up a topic to talk about when you’re together later — what they did at recess, who they sat by at lunch, etc.

“What do you need from me?” Instead of assuming that you know what your child needs, give them an opportunity to tell you what would help. Older kids may be able to verbalize if they need you to listen, give a hug, or help them find a solution.

“This feeling will pass.” This may be a phrase you can both use when your child is at the height of panic. All feelings pass eventually. It often feels like they will never end, you won’t make it through, or it’s too hard. And that’s OK. Don’t let your brain get stuck in that moment; focus on the relief that is on the horizon.

Anxiety and worry look different for every child. Not every one of these strategies will work for your kids. You are the expert on your child. If you try something and it makes their worries worse, don’t panic. Just pick something else from the list to try next time. Eventually, you will find a few phrases that are effective for sending a calm, encouraging and empowering message to your child